It’s the moooost wonderful tiiiime of the year. And that’s because it’s time for the post where I get to show you all how much I f#*%!ed up in the kitchen this year.
We can all share a good laugh and I’ll pretend like this isn’t a blow to my ego. Secretly I’ll be sobbing behind my laptop as I look at each one of these images and relive the hours of effort I put into making this totally disgusting food. And this obviously isn’t even half of the stuff that went wrong behind the scenes of this blog over the past twelve months; these are just the dishes I thought were worthy of documenting… before I tasted them, that is.
Without further ado:
Let’s start with birthday cupcakes gone wrong. I thought it would be a good idea to make “brownie mosaic” peanut butter cupcakes (inspired by this brownie mosaic cheesecake) with chocolate frosting. Um… Too. Much. And if I say that, it’s really true. They tasted like I had closed my eyes in the baking aisle and just dumped the first five boxed mixes I touched into a bowl together. Not good.
That’s actually almost exactly what I did do with these “sunburst cookies,” which were supposed to be the crowning achievement of the Pantry Cooking week I did this spring. They were compost cookies with chocolate-covered sunflower seeds and sunflower seed butter. And I might have dumped some crushed-up graham crackers in there, too? They were supposed to be compost cookies, after all. They tasted like it, especially once the crackers got all soggy. What you can’t see is the lovely shade of green these turned afterwards, as the sunflower seed butter reacted with the baking soda. Appetizing.
Next up were these chipotle sweet potato breakfast burritos. Sounds flavorful, right? Not so much. They tasted like absolutely nothing. I was bummed because I really liked this picture. But hey, I got to show it to you anyway, so not all is lost.
Have you ever had a shelf collapse, and everything that was on it go spilling to the floor? This vegetable coconut korma tasted like that happened with my spice cabinet , and this dish was sitting directly beneath it. So disappointing, since it was based on possibly the most delicious Indian dish I’ve ever eaten. But I couldn’t get the spices right and ended up dumping a bunch more in at the end, after the vegetables were done cooking. Rookie mistake. Also, have you ever set out to make four servings of curry and ended up with a pot of it overflowing like Strega Nona? That was kind of the situation here. It all got frozen for “later” and then eventually just thrown out.
I really wanted to make you margaritas for Cinco de Mayo. Jalapeno grapefruit margaritas, to be exact. Ugh. Not only were these revolting, but I definitely failed to plan ahead when I mixed the tequila in before heading to a friend’s Cinco de Mayo party. This led to me breaking Utah’s open container law as I drove across town with the pitcher on my lap. (Don’t worry Mom, I didn’t get arrested.) If you know me, you know I hate breaking the rules and was quaking with fear the entire time. The real question is, why did I bother bringing them? I hope no one at the party drank them. I know I didn’t.
Oh, then there were these strawberry basil balsamic quesadillas. These were actually delicious, but didn’t make the blog because the pictures were too dark. Also, did I mention that a hummingbird flew into my apartment while I was out on the porch taking these pictures? That Nate was out of town? That hummingbirds are basically giant mosquitoes, and I am terrified of both birds and bugs? That I set a trail of sugar water throughout my apartment, then huddled on the couch for the next hour and a half until my friends came over to rescue me? Meanwhile, the hummingbird was flinging itself repeatedly against the ceiling in our guest room. I am grossed out just thinking about it again. Should have posted these anyway just to spite that stupid hummingbird.
Here we have a nice yogurt rhubarb cake, AKA a soggy sponge with tiny flecks of fruit on top. This was the first (and last) time I tried coconut whipped cream – horrible. I’m sorry if you like it, but that stuff tastes like plastic. I brought this to my friend’s birthday party (hate to waste cake!) and was so embarrassed when people asked who brought it. They pretended to like the coconut whipped cream, too… mortifying.
I present to you: Yogurt-Covered Strawberries, or, How To Ruin The Season’s Best Strawberries In Under Five Minutes. I totally pictured these sweet and chewy, like yogurt-covered raisins. Instead, they were flavorless frozen little hockey pucks that I’m surprised I didn’t chip a tooth on. Because obviously I kept eating “just one more” to make sure they weren’t secretly delicious.
Good thing I spent approximately 45 minutes pitting the cherries for this cherry crumble tart, only to have it totally flop. I burnt the crust, the cherries had a gross texture, and that beautiful almond crumble topping came out soggy and sad instead of nutty and crispy. Obviously I still tried to force Nate to eat it. I haven’t lost hope on making this tart work for next summer, but I need some time to lick my wounds first. Could someone get started on pitting the cherries for me ahead of time?
A simple cauliflower salad. What could go wrong? I could use an electric orange bowl and Mexican-themed napkin, for starters. I could buy two heads of cauliflower just because I got a kick out of using half white cauliflower and half yellow, then let the remaining two halves rot in the fridge. I could keep make it at 8pm when there’s no chance of taking a decent picture. Aaaand then I could eat it til my stomach hurts. I have a problem.
And last but not least, How To Make Delicious Food Look Disgusting 101. Step 1: Decide to make an entirely white meal. Step 2: Use a bad white balance setting. Ta-da! One bowl of sheep intestines comin’ right up! This chili really was delicious, though, and a slightly more colorful version of it did make the blog. After I fixed my white balance (kinda).
Well, that’s a wrap on 2013 recipe fails! As we wind down the year, I will most likely be posting a few 2013 round-up posts over the next few days before getting back to recipe posts next week or so. I hope you had a merry Christmas, safe travels, and more than your fair share of delicious food!